God, Please Save These Troubled States

Last week, after I’d written about the 10 Worst Fan Videos Ever Made, I had a few close friends and a few Buzznet members suggest that I skewer the fan fiction community next. (I think what’s more alarming about this request is that I am becoming known for destroying what other people love. Should I be disturbed?)

At face value, knowing there was a large fan fiction community on Buzznet, as well as knowing the potential for hilarious quotes and screencaps, I spent the past few days researching fan fiction on the net.

My best friend Bianca, being the net savvy gal she is, gave me the initial push, directing me to www.fanfiction.net, as well as a few key communities. From there, I began to push deeper into the dark psyche of fan fiction.

It was early this morning, while attempting to write this first blog entry, that I stumbled upon some of the most terrifying things to exist on the net. By noon, Buzznet engineer Conrad, upon learning of my endeavor, sent me the fanfic communities that would push me over the edge into total madness.

I can’t do a single journal post anymore. There’s no way I could fit this all into one post. No top ten. Not even a top 100. This has become a journey now, one that will soon be etched into the history books.

So this will be a diary of that journey; I’ll post a different section each day. I have no idea when it will end, as I’m quickly discovering that, as I find one more mind-numbing community, another one rears its ugly head.

Join me. We’ll suffer this together.


PART I: FanFiction.net

Let’s have Wikipedia define “fan fiction” for all those who are ignorant to this social phenomenon, shall we?

• Fan fiction (also commonly spelled as fanfiction and frequently abbreviated to fanfic or occasionally just FF or fic) is a broadly-defined term for fiction about characters or settings written by fans of the original work, rather than by the original creators. Fan fiction usually describes works which are uncommissioned by the owner of the work, and usually (but not always) works which are not professionally published. Fan fiction is defined against original fiction, which exists with its own discrete universe, and against canon works within the universe.
  

Excellent.

Search “fan fiction” on Google and www.fanfiction.net will always pop up first as THE go-to site for all things. This is where I began my search.

The site is organized based on the general themes behind where the fiction is based: television, music, books, anime, miscellaneous, etc. Pretty easy to follow, right?

The first link I was directed to was this: The Wind Whistles For Megan


And very quickly did I realize I’d bit off more than I could chew.

A general theme that runs through fan fiction is that it is overtly sexual most of the time and, as expected, poorly written. This is the case with, “The Wind Whistles For Megan.” Right off the bat, this just plain sucks:

• Dream Castle was in turmoil. Those nasty, evil, vile, not-so-bright, pathetic excuses for witches, sisters whom were disgusting to the core, were TRYING desperately to cause a ruckus. It was sad really. Their incompetence was quite humorous. And their not-so-mad skills in witchcraft was a poor example of witchdom.

And within just a few paragraphs, the terrible imagery and traumatizing mental images began:

• Obviously startled, Megan turned around and her gaze fell upon the equine beauty before her. Those large, soft eyes stared back upon her, hopeful and frightened all at once. Body covered in soft blue fur, the large wings upon her back flapped nervously. Megan simply could not help but focus her attention upon the small, yet pert, breasts of Wind Whistler.

My Little Ponies had breasts?????? (Credit for that commentary goes to my friend Bianca.)

• The entire flight back to Dream Castle was quiet and awkward. Megan leaned her chin upon Wind Whistler’s shoulder, her cheek lightly brushing her neck. The fur was so soft and felt wonderful upon her cheek. She’d known this wonderful equine for who knows how long. Deep down, something nagged at her, creating weird feelings. She usually passed them off as nothing. But as of late, all she could think about was Wind Whistler. Sure, she loved the other ponies, but she felt drawn to this particular one. Her hand seemed to have a mind of its own as it began to stroke the fur along her collar bone.

OH MY GOD. PLEASE KILL ME NOW.

Thankfully, this was just the first part of a clearly psychotic exercise in “literary freedom,” a freedom I’d like to take away. I won’t bother finding the other parts.

It was at this point that Bianca, in all her wisdom, linked me to our next example of e-terror: Patrick Stump and Gabe Sapporta slash. Wikipedia, will you help us?

• Slash fiction is a genre of fan fiction. It focuses on the depiction of sexual or romantic relationships between two or more male characters, who are not necessarily engaged in relationships in the canon universe. While the term originally was restricted to fan fiction in which one or more male media characters were involved in an explicit adult relationship as a primary plot element, it is currently more generally used to refer to any pairing between male characters.

Ah. This should be...interesting?

• “Gabe sits and watches and peels one stripe of his banana.
  
  “Aren’t you eating?” Gabe asks.
  
  Patrick shrugs, “Not hungry.”
  
  “Did you eat lunch?”
  
  No answer.
  
  “You’re not fat.”
  
  This earns Gabe a death-glare.
  
  “Well you’re not,” Gabe shrugs, peeling the second stripe. He pauses, lips puffing out in a thoughtful pout.
  
  “I had a salad for lunch,” Patrick mutters, not looking up from his writing. Gabe can’t even see the other man’s face do to the brim of his hat.
  
  “Are you trying to lose weight or something?”
  
  “Gabe-” Patrick’s face shoots up faster than a junkie in pit of syringes; expression blank and businesslike. “-You wanna drop the weight subject?”
  
  “Yeah sure,” Gabe nods as if it’s no big deal. Patrick stares a moment before returning to the channeling of his muse and Gabe peels the third stripe of his banana down excruciatingly slow.
  
  “Want some of my banana?”
  
  “No Gabe.”
  
  “But bananas are amazing,” Gabe says, honestly surprised that the greatness of bananas could be denied so quickly.
  
  “But I don’t want any,” Patrick mimicks Gabe’s childish tone spot on; and although Gabe isn’t possitive of it himself, there is a faint smile on the ginger man’s lips.
  
  “You should have some,” Gabe insists.
  
  Patrick simply shakes his head but Gabe can see for sure now that he is smiling. This makes Gabe grin and he wheels a little big closer. Careful and calculated, he eases the exposed fruit between man and paper, attempting to waft the delicious banana smell into Patrick’s nostrils while also inspiring his mouth to water from the physical site of the banana.
  
  “You think if you stick your banana in my face I’m going to eat it?” Patrick quips, teeth showing in his smile now though he doesn’t look up.
  
  “It’s a nice banana,” Gabe smirks of his own accord, well aware of the little game they were playing now.
  
  “What if I said I wouldn’t eat your banana if it was the last banana on Earth?” Patrick challenges, still not looking.
  
  “I’d say you were lying,” Gabe purrs, and he’s standing now, and Patrick doesn’t really know what’s going on, all he knows is that his notebook is being taken away, along with his pencil. The space in his lap where the paper connected by metal coil used to be is now occupied by a nine foot tall banana-wielding Uruguayan. Straddling him in the big producer chair, no less.
  
  “Gabe?” Patrick quirks an eyebrow.
  
  “Eat it,” Gabe offers the banana. Patrick doesn’t take it.
  
  “Gabe.”
  
  “Eat it,” Gabe giggles, tapping the tip of the banana against Patrick’s lips. “Come on.”
  

And I am done. If you’d like to have bananas ruined for the rest of your waking life, continue reading the rest of that piece of trash. I’d advise against it, your best interest in mind.

It’s at this point, disgusted, that I decide to move back to FanFiction.net. There has to be something a bit more innocent and not as sexual that will provide me some laughs.

And I find this instead: Animaniacs fan fiction.

The basic gist of the story is that the main character, Brad, killed all three of the Animaniacs in a past fan fiction and now, stuck in a mental institute, they haunt him. He kills himself. And then they haunt him some more in the afterlife.

………………………………………………………

Quickly exiting that page, I decide to click on “Miscellaneous” fan fiction to see what other topics people want to fantasize about. And, as if a golden ray from heaven shone down on the page, I see this:



68 ENTRIES FOR JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR FANFIC.

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY.

I’m a huge fan of blasphemy, but seriously, what the hell????

An example of some titles:

“One Nation UNDER God”

“Anna vs. Lucifer”

“Used”

And my personal favorite: “Terminator vs. Jesus Christ”: What if the Terminator had been sent back in time to save Jesus from his death and Jesus was not aware of it?

Now THIS is hilarious.

• BANG!!! The door burst open revealing the stranger. What now? Jesus thought as he watched the machine march into the hallway waving his gun.
  
  The apostles, with the exception of Simon and Judas, began to back away as far from the man as possible. Simon however just stayed where he was, his eyes flickering with anger for a split second then disappeared and his eyes became dark and unfeeling again. Judas, who had never met the man before, started moving nearer to Jesus, hoping that he would be able to do something in case the outsider tried something funny.
  
  What could this thing want now? There were no Romans in sight, neither were there any Pharisees. What was it looking for? Maybe it was here to prevent his arrest. But it was too early…and something just didn’t feel right.
  
  “Target spotted.” The machine said as he released the reloaded his gun. Time moved slowly for Jesus as the thing fired its gun. His eyes widened as he watched the bullet fly and strike Judas in the chest. The strength of the blast was so strong that Judas flew across the table and landed there.
  
  Oh god, please don’t be dead. Don’t be dead, don’t be dead. Jesus repeated in his head over and over again. All previous hostility he felt towards the man vanished and was replaced with worry. “Why did you do that?” Jesus shouted to the robot as he started running towards is friend.
  
  “He is to betray you!”
  
  “I know! Don’t you understand, this is all suppose to happen.” He said reaching his friend. He heard the apostles whispering to each other most likely about Judas and what the robot said. He blocked them out as he called softly, “Judas. Judas, please wake up.”
  
  Judas moaned slightly as he opened his eyes, “Christ?” What was going on? He could barely register what had happened. The huge man that had entered had mumbled something and…and he shot him. Blood, there was blood everywhere. Was it all really his?
  

So. Completely. Amazing.

I leave you on a high note, Buzznet, because tomorrow, you surely won’t be laughing. A preview of what’s to come in Part II of my FanFiction Journey:

1984 fanfic. (I’m totally serious.)
Quantam Leap. (Just….ugggghhhh.)
Are You Afraid of The Dark? (I’m sure this is illegal.)
Golden Girls. (I’ll lobby for this to be illegal.)
Literature fanfic. (I’ll lobby for this to be a punishable by death. The Great Gatsby and Edgar Allan Poe fanfic should simply not exist.)

Until then, try not to die from disgust. And future suggestions will be accepted.