God, Please Save These Troubled States

It appears I’ve opened a can of worms on Buzznet.

I had NO idea my post would receive such a response. The disgust? I expected that. But I didn’t expect over 50 messages linking me to horrifying fan fiction in less than 24 hours. Wow.

I’ll continue on my scheduled course, but I’ll definitely say that AFI Slash fiction terrifies me to NO END. And I refuse to write about it because it’s just way too awkward and weird for me.

After Terminator Vs Jesus fanfic, I decided to venture back to more familiar territory and check out the “Books” section. Why this popped out first is beyond me:



I decided to ignore that section, because the potential for traumatizing sexual innuendos was too much for me. And I had a feeling I’d be venturing into illegal territory. So I started at the top of the list. Much to my delight (disgust), I clicked on the category for 1984 fanfic. (129 items.)

I mean, this simply couldn’t be real, right?

But I was actually surprised to find that 1984 fan fiction is usually just “guesses” as to what happens after the end of the novel. Gaining a bit of hope that maybe I wouldn’t be as grossed out by my finds, I clicked back to the Books page.

A sampling of titles that have fan fiction:

Goosebumps. (?????????)
The Outsiders (OVER 3,000 ENTRIES!!!!!)
Harry Potter (Over 300,000 ENTRIES!)
The Secret Garden
CS Lewis (All these people should be taken out to pasture. All 1,969 of them.)

But the one that truly horrified me was this: Oh

http://www.fanfiction.net/book/Edgar_Allan_Poe/

OH HELLZ NO. YOU DI’NT GO THERE. You DO NOT touch Edgar Allan Poe with this kind of garbage:

• what are you thinking
  as you lay in that bed
  watching the rain go by
  watching them fall to the ground
  are you thinking how you want to be out there
  or are you thinking about the squirell
  running up the tree
  as it keeps slipping but manages anyway
  or are you thinking about the girl
  whos licking droplets
  as she spins in circles
  and counts to three
  or maybe your thinking about how you long
  to be out there spinnig around
  until you get so dizzy you cant see
  oh what are you thinking about
  when you look at that rain
  I want to know so badly
  will you tell me someday
  will you say anything one day
  I hope you will be out of it one day
  that comas eating you up
  and I want to be with you
  will run in the rain
  and play all day
  but the most important thing of all
  will be that you can tell me
  what you thinking
  and thats the greatest gift of all
  

Realizing that my finds were far less tantalizing than before, I left the book section, which, to me, was full of people who weren’t terrible at writing; they just couldn’t be original. It was around this time that Conrad, an engineer here at Buzznet, IMed me in complete and total excitement.

And that’s when my life would change forever.

See, I’d planned on dissecting the stupidity of Golden Girls and Quantam Leap fan fic, but then Conrad sent me this:

http://community.livejournal.com/verywrongslash/

I am eternally sorry for this. I am so so so so so so so sorry. Upon looking at this page, a new away message on my AIM was spawned that caused a number of my friends to be greatly concerned for my well-being:

I JUST FOUND OUT THERE IS FISTING FANFIC BETWEEN THE ARBY'S OVEN MITT AND THE HAMBURGER HELPER HAND.

FUCKING SHOOT ME RIGHT NOW. PLEASE END MY LIFE.

Again, I am sorry, but I have to keep moving forward.

On the first page alone, there are so many things absolutely wrong with this community. (Though it is a tiny bit comforting to know that these kids at least acknowledge these facts.) This caught my eye first:

• Question: So, I've decided to write some Giant Squid/JK Rowling slash with some child sacrifice thrown in for good measure, and I have a dilemna. Third person or first?
  

The first comment?

• I think it's hotter in 1st person, but it really depends on the perspective.

A MILLION INTERNET SADFACES. (Yes, I realize it’s a joke. It doesn’t make it hurt less.)

And the actual story?

• You are in the soft ocean now Rowling, I see you above, guilty of leaving me alone after that damned seventh book. You do not know my tentacles and ferocious beak are mere feet below you. How long shall I let you remain so unsuspecting, Rowling? A minute? Or an hour? Another night, perhaps?
  
  I will not wait another moment, not another second of quiet for you.
  
  ---
  
  You are such a beautiful woman, I realize as my first tentacle slides around your foot. You stiffen, I imagine you are a bit scared. I reach out with another, and caress your leg. I feel your smooth skin as I snake another around your waist. Beneath the water I can feel your body quiver, I know you scream.
  
  I will kiss you my way. You will be ravished under the weight of my tentacles.
  
  You still do not know who I am, even when I rise from beneath the waves and turn you to face me, wrapping you against me. Your eyes are wide, your mouth open. You are not covered, Rowling, so there is not the slightest obstacle for what I am about to do next.
  
  Foolish woman, even if someone heard your screams they could not save you. You are, and will be, mine. I could stop your screams, but I love the way your beautiful face is so contorted, ravaged with terror. I love the way you gasp when my tentacle caresses your inner thigh, and the way two others pull apart your legs. I hold your head above water, firmly wrapped, my cups sucking your flesh.
  

THAT'S IT. NO MORE. I'M DONE.

Back to Very Wrong Slash. Because I mentioned it before, I have to share it: Hamburger Helper and Arby’s Slash.

Shall we delve in?

• Disclaimer: I don't own these. I'm sure their owners would be appalled. (I'm sure my friends are appalled.) This is a parody (or perhaps a travesty); no money is being made from this and I've probably lost the last shreds of respect from people who imagined I had some semblance of dignity or good taste.
  Notes: Challenge from eldriwolf, who's been daring me to write this for over a year. A reminder (or a warning) that there is no pair of characters that cannot be slashed.
  
  SUMMARY: Kitchen accessories in heat here. (Already, with the bad puns.)
  

At least she has a sense of humor about it.

• I open the door, turn on the light, and lead him over to the bed. I nudge him to sit, and he does. He looks nervous. He always looks nervous at this point. I reach into my bag… his eyes follow me… I pull out a small can of Crisco and set it on the bedside table. His eyes grow wide.
  
  I've heard there are better lubricants, but this one is discreet. Nobody suspects anything if either of us has Crisco in our packs, and nobody notices if we buy an extra can at the store. I set it down on the nightstand, next to the lamp.
  
  I push him down onto the bed.
  
  His hat rolls off to one side, and he starts to reach for it, but I stop him. With two fingers on the side of his face, I make him look up at me as I lean over him for a kiss, pressing our bodies together. He moans into my mouth. I lower my weight onto him, push him deeper into the mattress.
  

ASF;KLHJAKJLDFGHAKJDFS. I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE.

But the ending is cute!

• I turn to face him, and smile. He smiles back. I lean up into him, embracing him with my whole body. He closes his eyes, relaxes into my grip. We lie there on the bed, holding hands, until we fall asleep.

Awwwww. Even in the worst of slash, there is still hope for love!


I should have expected it and, because it’s so trashy and wrong it’s almost amazing, but on the second page, I found the goldmine:

Slash fan fiction between The Pope (current) and Jesus Christ.

Now, I’ll just copy and paste the warning the author gave me, because….well. You need to be warned:

• “On to the smut. People with aversions to Jesus having sex should not read. People squicked by the idea of a nearly 80-year-old man having sex should not read. People who object to sex in Catholic churches should not read. In fact, probably nobody should read this, cos it's just WRONG.”

And oh, how WRONG it is:

• "Joseph," He murmured, "don't be afraid. You are strong enough for this burden." And the Savior knelt down with him, took his face in two soft, warm hands, and placed a kiss on his forehead. "Receive my benediction," He said. A light surrounded them both, and Joseph felt younger and stronger than he had in decades. The ache in his knees was gone, and his vision grew clear, and the wheeze in his chest evaporated as if it had never been.
  
  "I... I cannot..." his voice broke, and he looked away, face turning red at the shame of contradicting his Lord, but knowing himself unfit for these attentions. The hands gently pulled his face forward again, and the fingertips stroked his ears, caressed his hairline. Joseph felt a tightening warmth he thought he'd forgotten, the first stirrings of a demon he'd thought long banished.
  
  Jesus pulled him closer, slid one knee between Joseph's and one arm around his back. "Not a demon," the gentle voice purred into his ear, as His fingers caressed Joseph's face. "You have kept yourself pure for me, and now I am here for you." Joseph knew He had seen into his heart, had read his most base desires... and had forgiven. More... was embracing him, leaning into him, laying down with him...
  
  Joseph whimpered as he was slowly pushed backward to the floor, and Jesus gently unfolded his legs. His thoughts spun as he looked up at the beautiful paintings on the ceiling. Awestruck, he was unprepared when Jesus shifted over him... sitting right there at the top of his thighs, His knees on either side of Joseph's hips, looking down on him with a gaze of such intense love Joseph wanted to weep. He could feel himself hard and throbbing... and felt an answering hardness pressing him down. Then He moved, and Joseph closed his eyes and cried out as the Lord shifted, sending ripples of ecstasy through him. Jesus leaned down over him, and claimed his mouth in a kiss that swept away all conscious thought.
  

I really hope I still have a job tomorrow.

PREVIEW OF TOMMORROW’S FAN FIC ADVENTURE:

Ariel and Ursula from The Little Mermaid
Bible Slash is INDEED a real force to be reckoned with.
Finding YOURSELF in fan fic. (Not me.)
God taking Beaker from The Muppets. Not for the faint-hearted.
AND: The best fanfic on all of Buzznet. It’s real. It’s here. And you will never be the same again.

Until tomorrow....