God, Please Save These Troubled States

First off, before anyone tries to rebut this entire blog by trying to state the obvious, I'll just come outright and say it:

Yes, I realize that by tattooing my neck and my hands and my arms that I have severely inhibited my ability to get "high paying" jobs and to be generally considered a normal and productive member of society. I am not pretending that I'm a naive and innocent victim. Don't try to say I am.

But let me just point out the absurd contradiction in this story:

• But last month, Carrillo's tattoos kept him and his wife, Melissa, from moving into an apartment complex called the Villas at Medical Center. "We liked the apartment, we brought them a check for the deposit and a check for the application fee," says Melissa.

  Later, Gilbert went by to look at the apartment wearing a short sleeve shirt. The next day, the Carrillos were told they didn't qualify to live there, because the tattoos on Gilbert's arms violated the policy on personal appearance.

  "For them to be so judgmental on a person's appearance, and for them to judge someone based on them having a tattoo is just ridiculous, you know," says Melissa.

  The Carrillos were also upset that the manager refused to refund their full $70 application fee. But mostly, they feel the policy is discriminatory.

Ready for the best part?

• We contacted one of the owners of the apartments: A southern California doctor named Edward Frankel.

  Frankel e-mailed us a statement saying his apartment complexes do, in fact, "reject prospective tenants who have... tattoos exposed on the neck, head, hands and wrists, or large tattoos that cover over 40% of the lower or upper arm."

  Frankel says, "We do not discriminate. The above applies to persons of any race, color, gender, etc."

  Frankel, and his partners, have purchased numerous upscale apartment complexes in San Antonio and Dallas, where they've also banned pierced eyebrows and tongues. Tenants can't have more than one nose piercing, or more than five earrings.

ARE YOU THAT STUPID? JUST BECAUSE YOU APPLY YOUR DISCRIMINATION TO PEOPLE OF ALL RACES AND GENDERS DOES NOT MEAN IT ISN'T DISCRIMINATION ANYMORE.

Ugh. It's poll time.

I'm sort of bummed I won't be around to find out what happens until later tonight, as I'll be leaving soon to head down to San Diego for Blaqk Audio's show at the House of Blues.

But let's just talk about how insanely ridiculous it is that Larry Craig thinks he can withdraw a guilty plea.

I mean, seriously. Doesn't that mean, right off the bat, that he was lying? Isn't that perjury? But beyond that, the idea that Craig thought that, by admitting guilt, no one would find out about his crime is complete bullshit. Is he really that stupid?

Ah, it shall be a fun fun fun fun day in the courtroom. I wish I could be there to watch try to get out of this mess.

This is so gross and disgusting.

I decided to blog about this on this fine Wednesday morning because, while extreme, it showcases the racial intolerance that still exists here in the United States. (Despite that that asshole Bill O'Reilly will claim that we've progressed as a nation because black people aren't screaming and yelling in restaurants, racial inequality is much more complicated than that.)

The story:

• Four teenagers have been charged with a hate crime, accused of the beating and attempted drowning of a black college student at Haulover Beach Park Marina over the weekend.

  After calling him the N-word, the teens beat Florida International University freshman Stephen Barrett with a baseball bat and tried to drown him in the Intracoastal Waterway, Miami-Dade police said.

  The suspects in the attack range in age from 15 to 18.

  All had attended a keg party at an island in the middle of the Intracoastal. About 1 a.m. Sunday, Barrett and two other FIU dorm mates were on a boat headed back to Haulover Marina when the driver of the boat said it was overloaded.

  ''Get off the boat, N-----,'' the teens said to Barrett, according to police reports.

  Words were exchanged, but the FIU students got off the boat, said Christopher Eden, who had attended the party with Barrett and friend Daniel Cabevas.

  The three friends, all 18, decided to wait on the island for the boat's next trip.

  But when they arrived back at the marina, the teens, now armed with baseball bats, were waiting for them.

  The three college students were overwhelmed by their attackers.

  Barrett was knocked into the Intracoastal, and several teens tried holding his head under water, according to police reports.

They were 15 and 18 year olds. Holy christ, why would you do this????

Take a look at these scumbags:



What a terribly sad and pathetic case.

I will simply echo the sentiments of my beloved blogger sister, Melissa: HOLY ZOMG, THIS IS THE COOLEST THING ON THE PLANET.

Seriously, I can't even begin to stress how gigantically huge this discovery is. If it pans out fully, our entire perception of the world will by systematically changed.

But let me back up and try to explain this to you. (You can find the source article here.)

• The parallel universe theory, first proposed in 1950 by the US physicist Hugh Everett, helps explain mysteries of quantum mechanics that have baffled scientists for decades, it is claimed.

  In Everett's "many worlds" universe, every time a new physical possibility is explored, the universe splits. Given a number of possible alternative outcomes, each one is played out - in its own universe.

There was an awesome (though Mulderless) episode of The X Files in Season 9 called "4D" that addressed this very issue; in many ways, it confused the fuck out of fans, simply because it's incredibly difficult to think about our world in this way.

The episode centered around a man who could simply travel in between parallel universes. In one, he was a meek and shy mother's boy. In another, he was a ruthless killer and a psychopath. Obviously, the writers took some physical and scientific liberties, but the basic science was there: At any given time, when any action occurs at the physical and subatomic level, the universe "splits" into all of the given possibilities.

Do you realize what this means?????

• A motorist who has a near miss, for instance, might feel relieved at his lucky escape. But in a parallel universe, another version of the same driver will have been killed. Yet another universe will see the motorist recover after treatment in hospital. The number of alternative scenarios is endless.

  It is a bizarre idea which has been dismissed as fanciful by many experts. But the new research from Oxford shows that it offers a mathematical answer to quantum conundrums that cannot be dismissed lightly - and suggests that Dr Everett, who was a Phd student at Princeton University when he came up with the theory, was on the right track.

  Commenting in New Scientist magazine, Dr Andy Albrecht, a physicist at the University of California at Davis, said: "This work will go down as one of the most important developments in the history of science."

Most assuredly. This could explain so many unexplained phenomenon that we experience in this universe: UFOs could be ships from parallel universes. Ghosts could come from another universe. People disappearing out of thin air could be attributed to this as well.

Ok, I'm certainly getting way ahead of myself. This is still just a proposed mathematical theory that explains a lot. But just imagine how amazing this would be!!!!!!

How sweet is this!

The song "Carcinogen Crush," which is a B-side from the Sing The Sorrow days, will be released as a secret song for Guitar Hero III and later as part of a brand new song on an EP to be released in December.

This only leaves "100 Words" as the only B-side from STS that we've yet to hear. Also, I'm hoping the EP will have new music as well.

DISCUSS.

Thanks to Jesus' General for posting about this. Go to his site and worship. It is glorious.

Check out this comic, Polysogyny Polydongs, which appeared in the Central Connecticut State University Recorder.




At the bottom of the comic, it reads: The Recorder does not support the kidnapping of (and subsequent urinating on) children of any age or ethnicity.

I don't get. It's not as if the artist just made a poorly-timed or offensive joke. It's simply not even funny at all. And since when was kidnapping, sexual assault of a minor, urinating on a minor, and mild racism (all together) even remotely funny?

Shame on The Recorder for allowing this to run.

My head hurts. A combination of Jena 6 madness, Sherri Shepherd's stupidity, and a thread about rape on the AFI board have driven me to nausea and exhaustion. I just don't want to think anymore today.

And of course, while chatting with Alex this afternoon, she sends me the following story. It's so frustrating that my apetite is still out of whack. I just want this to end.

• The latest blood spilt is over the battle for California's queer kids. Several California-based and national "Christian" groups are pounding on the California governor's door demanding that he veto a new state law that has successfully made its way through the California state legislature. The new law would ban discrimination against queers in California schools. The "Christians" are also demanding that the governor censure the California Parent Teachers Association (PTA) which has "endorsed the demand to shows gays positively."

  One of these so-called Christian groups, the Campaign for Children and Families is claiming that a ban against a Christian or Muslim's right to condemn and ostracize children who choose perverted and sinful lifestyles is censorship and an attack on religious freedom. Truly Godly children should have the right to set their queer peers straight in every way possible.

This is truly an example of how low another human being can go to assert their right to be a complete and utter douche nozzle.

I don't need to make any points about religion or Christianity, because this is above that: This about how one group wishes to assert their right to hate, plain and simple.

I've spoken openly about it in the past, but my childhood, adolescence, and high school years were plagued by this kind of bullying, both from a religious aspect and a social rejection standpoint. I tried to commit suicide twice because of it. It still haunts (and inspires!) me to this very day.

This is what the California PTA has to say on the matter:

• "The California State PTA supports equal rights for all. We believe all children and youth should have equal opportunities to develop and reach their maximum potential. We also believe that every child is entitled to a safe and positive school climate that provides for the emotional safety of the students, supports and recognizes each person's efforts to achieve his/her full potential; and provides the social and cultural acceptance every individual needs of high self-esteem."

And amen to that, PTA! I'm glad that this organization is taking the lead in terms of progressive leadership. It's very true that this is an issue of self-esteem and protecting the environment that a student is trying to learn in. Is it really necessary to ensure that students and parents are legally allowed to harass and put down children who might be gay, bisexual, or transgender?

• [Karen] England said the ramifications of the legislation already can be seen in Los Angeles, where the district previously adopted some of the policies now being set up for statewide implementation.

  "In this policy, teachers are instructed to keep a student's transgender status private, including from the student's parents. ... This is an appalling school policy – treating parents as the enemy, at the expense of the student's relationship with family."

Who said the parent was an enemy? Stop putting words into this policy.

• England noted that even more alarming is the policy of providing access to restroom and locker facilities that "correspond to the gender identity that the student consistently asserts..."

  "If a male student 'consistently asserts' himself as a female at school, he will be granted access to female restrooms and locker rooms. As teachers and school officials grow accustomed to seeing boys entering female-only areas, they will be less likely to intervene for fear of offending a transgender student. Those with evil intentions will then gain access to innocent girls in otherwise safe environments. This poses a serious danger to the safety of young female students."

YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.

This may seem like an issue that only pertains to all of us here in California, but gender identity and sexual orientation discrimination is a worldwide stigma. As cliche or cheesy that this may sound, there are victims everywhere and every day. It's tough enough being a kid as it is; why do we need to protect people who only want to make it harder?

There are protestors picketing down the street from the Buzznet offices, who I plan to join up with during my lunch break today.

Please, read up on this bizarre injustice against 6 African American men who are being treated differently because of the color of their skin.



Don't understand why anyone should take action today? (And in the future.) I'll break it down for you:

• At Jena High School in Louisiana, a shade tree has come to be known as the "white tree," as social cliques tend to separate themselves by race on the campus. This particular tree is where the white students hang out.
  
• During a school assembly on August 31st, 2006, a black student jokingly asked the principal of Jena High School if he could sit under the "white tree." The principal replied that students could sit wherever they wanted, so the student and his friends sat under the tree that day.
• On September 1, 2006, when students arrived at school, the discovered three nooses hanging from the tree. It was discovered that three white students had put the nooses there, so the principal recommend a 3-day suspension for the boys. This was, however, overruled by the local Board of Education and the Superintendent, who said, "Adolescents play pranks. I don't think it was a threat against anybody."
• The principal called an impromptu assembly on September 6, in which students segregated themselves into white and black sections. The Jena Police Department asked LaSalle Parish District Attorney Reed Walters to attend and speak at the assembly. Walters was unhappy with the request because he was busy preparing for a case and, upon arrival, felt that the students were not paying proper attention to him. Walters is alleged to have threatened the protesters if they didn't stop fussing over an "innocent prank" and to have stated, "See this pen? I can end your lives with the stroke of a pen." Black students state that Walters looked specifically at members of the black audience as he said this. Walters and school board member Billy Fowler, also present, deny that the comments were specifically directed at black students. Nevertheless, police began patrolling the halls of Jena High on September 7, and the school was declared to be in total lockdown the day after. [This section taken from Wikipedia. I know.]
• On September 10, several black students were denied the opportunity to speak about the noose issue at a school board meeting. The school board said the issue had already been resolved.
• On December 2nd, after a confrontation at a local party, a white student who had attended said party, pulled a shotgun on Robert Bailey and his four friends. After wrestling the gun away from the student and taking it, Bailey was later charged with theft of a firearm, second-degree robbery, and disturbing the peace. The white student who initially pulled the shotgun on Bailey and his friends was not charged at all.
• On December 4, 2006, Jena High School student Justin Barker, age 17, was assaulted by other Jena High students. According to reports, earlier that day Barker, a white student, bragged about how one of his alleged attackers, Robert Bailey, Jr., had been beaten up by a white man the Friday before. Barker was then knocked to the ground after being hit in the back of his head, and a group of students followed suit by repeatedly kicking him. Barker, who was left unconscious after the attack, was examined by a doctor at the local hospital. In the meantime, the six students accused of the attack, eventually dubbed the "Jena Six", were arrested. [From Wikipedia.]
• The outrage boiled to a point when the boys' charges were raised from assault to attempted second-degree murder, which would put all of the defendents in prison past the age of 50. Community members felt this was grossly disproportionate to the crime.

Mychael Bell's trial was a mess. (He was the youngest of the attackers, at 14, though it's disputed if he actually participated in the attack.) The jury, which actually contained a friend of the victim's father, was all white. In addition, Bell's lawyer flat out sucked; he didn't even call a single witness to the stand to defend his client. Bell was initially tried as an adult, but this was later overturned by the Court of Appeals.

And this morning, David Bowie announced that he had donated $10,000 to the legal defense fund of the Jena 6:

• "There is clearly a separate and unequal judicial process going on in the town of Jena. A donation to the Jena Six Legal Defense Fund is my small gesture indicating my belief that a wrongful charge and sentence should be prevented," Bowie said.
  

So what can you do?

Donate.
Talk about this issue with your friends and family.
Blog about it. Spread the news and let people know that, even in 2007, racial inequality is still an unfortunate reality.

Please do not think this doesn't affect. Please don't think you're not "smart" or "political" enough to care. You always are.

Take action. Change the world.

Why am I posting about this again? Because I want Sherri Shepherd to know that I am 100% convinced that she is a complete fucking idiot and that she shouldn't be on television speaking about anything ever again.

Just try and read this and comprehend it:

• Sherri Shepherd, the co-host of The View who said she didn't know if the Earth was flat or round and that she didn't care, today said she knew all along it was round. She was just having a “senior brain-poopy moment,” when Whoopie tossed her that difficult question.

IT'S NOT A DIFFICULT QUESTION, YOU MORON! THE EARTH HASN'T BEEN FLAT....EVER! WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU HEARD SOMEONE DISCUSSING THE EDGE OF THE EARTH? NEVER. BECAUSE IT JUST DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY.

And then, coming to her defense, is that low-life Elizabeth Hasselbeck:

• I don’t think you have to learn to be perfect either… you’re just yourself. I thought you handled that so well yesterday. You said ‘You know I actually, my mind is full of what’s my son doing right now, what am I going to feed him for dinner, I’m a mom.’ Like I think that’s completely fine to say ‘You know what, today I don’t care if the earth is round or flat. I may not care tomorrow, I just wanna know that…’

WHY ARE YOU ALLOWED ON TELEVISION?

You know what? Every day, I am bombarded by unbelievable amounts of stress. Every day, my mind is full.

Am I going to get hit by this car, who's merging to the right without a signal, even though I'm right next to him? What the hell am I going to write about today? Will anyone care to even read what I have to say? What part is going to malfunction on my bike next? Am I going to continually be broke every month? Is my mom going to stay healthy? Are the tendons and ligaments in my left knee finally going to separate from the bones and muscles, rendering me a giant mess on Sunset Blvd?

But if, at any given time, you walked up to me and asked: "Mark, do you breath air?" Or maybe, "Hey Mark, do you know if the earth rotates around the sun?" Better yet, "Mark, is the moon bigger than earth?"

Not once would my brain ever SHUT DOWN to such a level that I would completely blank on one of the basic facts regarding the planet I live on EVERY GODDAMN DAY.

Face it, Shepherd. You're a total idiot who holds tight to some of the most ass-backwards, illogical theories and you got called out on it. You had no idea if the world was flat or round because guess what? It doesn't matter. You're going to heaven because you believe in Our Lord and Savior!

I don't want this to turn into a "zomg mark is bashing christianz! zomg!" post, because I don't believe all Christians to be this ridiculous and stupid. And I know plenty of atheists and agnostics who are also giant morons. But there's something to be said for this kind of faith, the kind of faith that inhibits a person's desire to learn more about the world around them.

Is this the case with Sherri Shepherd? I'm inclined to believe so. For her to invoke the stress of her child as a reason that she doesn't know if the earth is flat or round, even if it's true, is laziness, pure and simple. Have you lost that childlike wonder, Shepherd? Do you even care what's going on around you? Or do you just believe what you're told?

Seriously, just watch it.



First off, a mighty hat tip to my BFF Bianca for showing me this yesterday. (I give credit where it is due!)

Secondly, I have tried so dearly to think of a proper response. It's really hard. I can't possibly imagine how someone could exist on this planet for so many years and not know one of the basic facts of the very ground she lives on.

So all I can do is take screenshots of Joy Behar's.....joy. Because it's truly the best part of that video.

Seriously. Look.


Merely seconds after Whoopi Goldberg asks if Shepherd thinks the world is round or flat, and just after Shepherd confirms that she does not know, Behar transforms. Watch it again. Look at the gears clicking in her head. It's as if she's thinking, "HOLY FUCK. THIS IS AN ABSOLUTE DREAM. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING."

And it only gets better.


She clearly can't contain herself while sandwiched between Goldberg's disbelief and Shepherd's rampant stupidity.

Joy Behar, thank you for brightening my day.

I really like these meme tags because it's one of the best ways for me to get to know the hundreds of thousands of people on Buzznet. (There are a ton of you, you know.)

It's hard to try to stay in contact with so many people, but one of the quickest ways for me to become acquainted with a person is through these neatly organized lists. (And, as I revealed in the past, I LOVE LOVE LOVE filling out lists.

So. Here are the easy rules.

1) Pick your 10 favorite musical artists. List them or elaborate like I do.
2) Tag the journal "top10bands" so we can have a full tag page of all our lists!
3) Pick 8 more people to do this! Make sure to link them to your original post.

Trying to pick my 10 favorite musical acts is akin to telling a person not to think: It's pretty much impossible. Right now, my favorite 10 groups will be different than those in a week's time. However, for the sake of this blog, I'll go with my top 10 of all time, the 10 that mean the most to me.

10: The Smiths


There's a point on The Queen Is Dead where I lose it. By the time Morrissey's vocals kick in during the intro of "The Boy With The Thorn In His Side," I feel as if Moz is writing about my goddamn life.

And this is the theme that generally seems to follow me and my obsession with The Smiths. First introduced to them when I was a wee lad by my older brother, it became an ever-growing love by the time I was sprouting into an adolescent mess. As I began to grapple with my sexuality and feel like a social outcast, there was something so deliriously enticing about Morrissey's sexual ambiguity (or outward homosexuality, whichever way you take it) and his lyrics that seemed to make it okay to feel like shit.

Strangeways, Here We Come was my favorite album for most of my life; I think there is no better opening song on any Smiths album than "Rush And A Push And The Land Is Ours." (My friends in Broadway Calls do a most glorious cover of it as well.) But I would have to return to The Queen is Dead, which, to me, is the perfect Smiths album: Full of Morrissey's despair and wit, Johnny Marr's ridiculously inventive and complex guitar lines, and it's got my favorite bass line pretty much ever: Listen to "Bigmouth Strikes Again" and bow down to Rourke's infectious bass doodles. So goddamn perfect.

Enjoy this, which could be the most tragically beautiful songs to ever be penned:


9: Hot Water Music


I have too many band tattoos to begin with (seven and soon to be many more, I'm sure), but I absolutely have to get a Hot Water Music tattoo before I die.

Every time I throw on Caution, Chuck Ragan screams out to me: "I need a remedy of diesel and dust, something I can taste with the things I can trust." And I fall in love with this band over and over again.

I first caught them back in 1999 at The Showcase Theatre in Corona and my love affair exponentially grew from that day forward. I watched these four guys pour every ounce of heart into some of the most interesting and diverse "punk" I'd ever heard. I was so use to hearing nothing but 4/4 beats at lightning speed that, upon hearing heartfelt, mid-tempo jams (that were still just as punk as anything else), I knew that I'd had an entire world opened for me.

I've followed them faithfully over the years and watched how under appreciated they've always been. Caught them quite a few times with AFI too; even then, when 90% of the audience couldn't care less who was on stage, they performed as the place was packed only for them.

Caution will always be my favorite album and I'm heart broken that I never got to see anything off of The New What Next performed live. But Chuck Ragan's solo material and The Draft are the next best thing; I enjoy both groups immensely and I'm just glad that these four individuals are still making music. All is right with the world.


8: Propagandhi


"Dickheads shit talk, huddled single file. First world frat boys and prairie skinheads who will never walk a mile or mourn a murdered friend in this tiny woman's shoes. Drink up and mumble your abuse. I'm still humbled by it all..."

Then, as the guitars thrash during "Mate Ka Moris Ukun Rasik An," I can't help but feel I'm listening to something greater than myself.

I posted a journal earlier this year about my love for this band because of the way they're able to articulate complicated political and social nuances in a way that no band has ever been able to. Then, on top of that, they simply fucking RIP.

Seriously. Try to listen to "Fuck The Border," "Superbowl Patriot XXXVI," or "Rio De San Atlanta, Manitoba," and try to deny their ability to completely master thrash.

I do miss John being in the band, as his vocals on Less Talk, More Rock are so glorious. (But now we have The Weakerthans, so I shouldn't complain.)

And with each record, they reinvent themselves. Today's Empires, Tomorrow's Ashes is full of some of the most complex guitar lines in punk rock. ("Back To The Motor League" is pure brilliance.) Potemkin City Limits may not be as fast, but it's so ridiculously melodic and complex.

But what it will always come down to for me is the lyrics. I could spend this entire blog just reposting lyrics and swooning. (Out of all 10 bands here, Propagandhi has the best lyrics, easily.) Just spend some time online poking around lyric sites and you'll know what I mean.


Actually, read these lyrics. If you're not sold yet, you're deaf. And stupid. Or something ridiculous like that.

7: Refused

If any band was ever close (or aesthetically proper) to starting a revolution, it would be Refused. Originally a fairly run-of-the-mill hardcore band (who sounded a lot like early Strife), the band took their passion for politics and upped the ante, creating one of my favorite hardcore albums of all time and, perhaps, the greatest punk rock record to ever exist.

Songs To Fan The Flames of Discontent isn't as widely respected as their final magnum opus (which I'll get to), but the passionate lyrics, combined with some of the heaviest guitar work east of the Atlantic, made the album a routine favorite of mine during my junior high years. Add to that my disillusionment with authority figures in general and my growing interest in the world around me and you've got the recipe for a batch of music that, to this day, I still listen to with just the same intensity.

Maybe it's the impassioned screams in "Rather Be Dead," or the ridiculous stacatto riffs in "Coup d'Etat," or the chorus in "Beauty" (that bass line kills me), or the final fury of "The Slayer." Anyway that I look at it, this album defines youthful rebellion for me. I'd rather be dead than alive by your values.

But this was (rightfully) overshadowed in 1998, when I was a freshman in high school. Refused released The Shape of Punk to Come and my musical brain exploded. Simply put, I'd never heard a single thing like this. The fury. The intensity. The lyrics that read like a textbook on how to stage a real revolution, one that would last. The electronic elements so perfectly melded with hardcore riffs.

There is no denying the influence of Refused on punk rock. Just listen to bands like HORSEtheband or Enter Shikari or....hell, so many. Even if they don't claim Refused as an influence, would they even have existed without them?

It's been nearly 10 years and every time I hear Dennis in "New Noise," I get goosebumps.

CAN I SCREAM?


6: Minor Threat


I would not be straight edge if it weren't for this band.

I would not love hardcore if it weren't for this band.

I think music would never have evolved to what it is now without them.

I can't stress my love for this band enough. All I can say is that you should immediately go to your local record store and pick up this band's discography. So many furious, thoughtful songs. I can't pick a favorite. "Small Man, Big Mouth"? Maybe, but then there's "Look Back And Laugh." And "Screaming At A Wall."

AHHH I CAN'T CHOOSE.

Get into it.


5: Descendents


Much like The Smiths, the Descendents were an early favorite of mine because I could so easily relate to the lyrics; in this sense, I was Milo in nearly every way. The punk kids wouldn't accept me because I was smart and got good grades. The nerds wouldn't accept me because I was an outcast and because I listen to "dumb music."

Truthfully, no one would accept me except the Descendents. I must have listened to "I'm Not A Loser" a trillion times in junior high. By the time high school rolled around, I'd memorized the entirety of Everything Sucks. (Another graciously underrated punk album.)

The Descendents have always had this insane ability to mix some of the most depressing lyrics around with ridiculous pop melodies. (Seriously. Watch the "I'm The One" video down below.)

My favorite song will always be "She Loves Me." Ah, speaks volumes to me. I love you, Milo. (Also, their last album, Cool To Be You, totally fucking rips. Get it.)


4: Black Flag

I first heard Damaged when I was 8 years old. (Count that.) It's been a long journey since then and the countless bands on SST or that Black Flag toured with have pretty much come to define who I am as a person.

I like all the singers. I think I like Rollins the most, but that's probably because none of the other singers wrote "Get In The Van."

I think Damaged is about as close as  you can get to musical perfection. And My War is never given enough credit. And I will always lose my marbles every time a band covers Black Flag.

Also, all people should have the BF bars tattooed on them. So you should get on top of that. Now.


3: A Fire Inside



There are countless reasons why this band means so much to me. The lyrics. The music. The fact that the four guys who make this music are some of the most down-to-earth and friendly people on the planet. The messageboard community. The friends I've made because of them. The undeniably impressive live show they put on the same time.

My favorite album: Shut Your Mouth and Open Your Eyes. Possibly the most intense hardcore album ever crafted.

My favorite song: "...but home is nowhere." Perfect amalgamation of the old fury with the new sensibilities. And the lyrics slay me every time. (Have you heard the end of this song? Insane.)

My favorite opener: "Strength Through Wounding."  Just once. I just want to hear it one more time!

Favorite show: This is a tough one, but I think seeing them in Davis on April 2, 2003. First date of Sing The Sorrow tour. 19 songs, ending with ...but home is nowhere/This Time Imperfect. I lost my mind that night. The boys hung around until nearly 3 in the morning mingling with fans. (The Sing The Sorrow record release show was pretty ridiculous too. Smile, Narrative of Soul Against Soul? THANK YOU.)

Favorite live era: This one, most assuredly:


2: Nine Inch Nails


I was only 11 years old when my older brother exposed me to the genius that is Trent Reznor. (Notice a theme here?) Like most of the music I found through him, it was always by accident. He'd be playing a song that I'd hear through the walls of his room. Or I'd sit outside his bedroom door while he jammed along to something on his guitar.

But with Nine Inch Nails, I just flat-out asked him what the hell this was. My exposure to electric and industrial music at that point was incredibly limited. (My brother later introduced me to KMFDM, but that's a different story.) So hearing Trent's sound manipulations and beats was a shock to me.

What the fuck was this?

I loved The Downward Spiral and Pretty Hate Machine. I hated The Fragile at first, then grew to adore it. It took me until the beginning of this year to enjoy With_Teeth. Year Zero has been played a trillion times since it came out and I'm still finding parts I love. And with all the recent press Trent's getting for his work against major labels, I can't help but hold a deep respect for the man and his body of work.

Ok ok. Favorite songs:
Something I Can Never Have
The Fragile ("Still" version)
All The Love In The World
Right Where It Belongs (The second version, played on guitar.)
The Perfect Drug (Both the full version and the Spacetime Continuum remix.)
Piggy
We're In This Together
Starfuckers, Inc.
Eraser

I could go on forever. I'll stop.


Remember when music videos used to blow your mind? Well, remember again.

1: Bad Religion


There's really no contest and as soon as kitten76 tagged me, I wrote the numbers 1 through 10 on a piece of paper so I could plan out what band would go where. I immediately put Bad Religion as #1.

This is the band that got me interested in politics, that made me feel it was ok to care about the world, to be a nerd, to enjoy reading. And holy hell, they've written some of my favorite songs of all time.

It irks me that so many bands these days are making millions off of the formula of the three part punk harmony that these guys perfected. (And really, no one else will ever do it better.)

Favorite album: Against The Grain, without a doubt. Some of my favorite lyrics of all time. Plus, it's got "Modern Man," "Anesthesia," and "Quality or Quantity." Enough said.

Favorite song: "No Control."

I met one of my best friends, Sue, through this band. We even lived together.

And despite all the shit he gets on the net, Mr. Brett is one of the most solid and respectable human beings I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. And he's a fucking quick cyclist.


I am interested in the following members' musical taste, so I therefore tag them!

breesays, jayv, huldaholm, djmark, tomdog, skintight, xmisspreternaturalx, clintcatalyst

NME.com reported this morning that The Sex Pistols would reunite for a show at the Brixton Academy on November 8th to commemorate the 30th anniversary of their seminal punk album, Nevermind The Bullocks.

In addition, NME is also spear-heading a campaign to get the band's single, "God Save The Queen," back to the #1 spot on the chart, since it was denied that spot when it was released in 1977 because of fear of interference with the Queen's Jubilee that year.

There. Now you have the news. Now you can either listen to me rant and rip John Lydon apart or you can move on from this page.

This is 100% bullshit. The Sex Pistols, regardless of their influence on punk rock, are simply one of the most boring and terrible bands I've ever heard. I've never liked them. I don't understand what's so "punk" about them (though I'm probably just lacking context), and, with Lydon's recent actions, I can't even remotely take this seriously.

Lydon's been on that shitty VH1 reality show. He judged that Bodog Battle of the Bands nonsense, in which his true musical taste was exposed: shite.

And now, you can see a group of 4 old men who could not care less about punk rock performing it for £37.50 a ticket?

Eat it. This is just a way for you guys to line your pockets with more money. And lots of it.

I'll stress this to all of you: Don't buy their single. Don't support this band.

I've re-written this opening sentence 8 times now. I'm pretty much at a loss for words upon reading this story about a Senator who is suing God.

Let's trace this story to it's origin.

An accusor in a sexual assault trial, Tory Bowen, recently filed suit against a Lancaster County judge because the judge, during Bowen's trial, barred the words "rape" and "victim" from being spoken. Besides the obvious absurdity of such a notion, Bowen felt her free speech had been violated. (An interesting position, I'm sure, but how the hell do you conduct a sexual assault trial without using "rape" and "victim" throughout the proceedings????)

And now, State Senator Ernie Chambers enters on stage right.


Look at that beacon of justice.

Sen. Chambers makes the legal assertion that since the State Supreme Court has already set the legal precedent in the case by banning the words, there's nothing the Federal Supreme Court can do, thereby making the lawsuit frivilous.

Ok, maybe it's a legal impossibility in some sense, but frivilous? I don't buy it.

So, to make the point that you can sue virtually anyone or anything in these good ol' United States, Sen. Ernie Chambers is suing God.

I'll let him speak with his own words:

• Chambers says in his lawsuit that God has made terroristic threats against the senator and his constituents, inspired fear and caused "widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth's inhabitants."

  The Omaha senator, who skips morning prayers during the legislative session and often criticizes Christians, also says God has caused "fearsome floods ... horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes."

  He's seeking a permanent injunction against the Almighty.

You know, I'd be pretty stoked and amused by this had it been presented in a different context. But the guy is being a Grade A douchebag:

• "This lawsuit having been filed and being of such questionable merit creates a circumstance where my lawsuit is appropriately filed," Chambers said.

Questionable merit? THE JUDGE BANNED THE WORDS "RAPE" AND "VICTIM" IN A SEXUAL ASSAULT TRIAL!

It's times like these that I lose all faith in our judicial system.

All I have to say about this story is:



And then:



I'm prepared. Are you?

Jesus. H Christ on a cracker. Ja Rule isn't joking about this:

• "They got my man Doug Morris under fire and shit, they got him going down to go speak to Congress about hip-hop lyrics, are you fucking serious?" Ja said. "There's a fucking black kid right now about to get 25 years for having a fight with some white kids over hanging the nooses over the white tree, let's get to that. Let's get into shit like that, because that's what's tearing up America, not me calling a woman a bitch or a hoe on my rap songs."

  "And if it is, then we need to go step to Paramount, and fucking MGM, and all of these other motherfuckers that's making all of these movies and we need to go step to MTV and Viacom, and lets talk about all these fucking shows that they have on MTV that is promoting homosexuality, that my kids can't watch this shit," he continued. "Dating shows that's showing two guys or two girls in mid-afternoon. Let's talk about shit like that! If that's not fucking up America, I don't know what is."

Hmm. If I recall, I always thought Ja Rule was gay himself. Not just because DMX has feuded with him and claimed he was gay in the past.....I swear I've seen pictures that actually suggest that this is true.

It only took an hour or so of snooping on the net before I found the evidence.

Ja Rule once appeared on the cover of Flava Life magazine, which is explicitly aimed towards Black and Latino gay men:


He sure looks proud!

And he also was a recurring cast member of Logo's show geared towards gay black men, Noah's Ark:

But, most importantly, Ja Rule is known for making appearances at Gay Pride parades, where he's known for performing for adoring fans, sans shirt:


If you haven't gotten my message yet, let me spell it out:

Ja Rule, you are the scum of the earth. No one cares about your shitty music and your shitty, homophobic opinions. Please never open your mouth again.

Man, I fall in love with this man more and more each day.

According to an interview he gave in Beijing last week:

• "As for the special situation in China, it does not seem to be easy to obtain Western music via legal channels, so I have the following suggestion for our fans: If you can find and buy our legal CDs, I express my thanks for your support. If you cannot find it, I think that downloading from the Internet is a more acceptable option than buying pirated CDs. Our music is easy to find on the Internet, and you might not need to spend much effort to find most of our songs. If you like our songs after you've heard them, please feel free to share it with your friends. As I have put all my effort and heart into my music, I sincerely hope that more and more people can share the enjoyment with us."

You can read the rest of the interview here.

Wow. I can actually say I like a Fall Out Boy video.

First off, watch the new Fall Out Boy video for "I'm Like A Lawyer With The Way I'm Always Trying To Get You Off (Me & You)." (That is, simply put, one of the worst song titles ever penned. No offense, guys.)



Invisible Children, Inc. was founded after the documentary, Invisible Children, was released here in the states. I highly suggest you get your hands on a copy of this film as it traces the horrifying effects the Lord's Resistance Army has had on Northern Uganda.

The main effect, as shown in the music video, is that tens of thousands of children have been drafted into the war as soldiers. (The documentary obviously goes further into detail.) Through the non-profit organization, Invisible Children, the group seeks to provide jobs, a source of economic opportunity, and education to the children and those so adversely affected by this war. (And who isn't adversely affected by war?)

I've participated in two Invisible Children vigils in the past two years to help raise awareness and I'm truly impressed that a band with such an international reach is seeking to also spread awareness about the plight in Northern Uganda.

I urge you to please learn as much as you can. Watch the film. Get involved in your local communities. If anything, pass the film on to your friends. Have an actual conversation. If you have to, just show them the music video, anything that might spark change.

Go to Invisible Children on the net to learn more.

I was supposed to write about Bible slash. About finding yourself in a fan fic. (I know 4 people who have!) And I was going to make you guys laugh instead of flinching.

But I can't anymore. Ever again. Because I found this:

Slashfic between George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, and Condoleeza Rice.

• “Well Diddly-Do, what are we going to do with you?” George arched his lap up, expressing his preference. Donald hit the intercom button.
  
  “Grace, could you send Cheney in?” He reached under Bush’s shirt and teased across the nipple. “In the mean time, let’s do our Drill."

• “Good Boy. That deserves a little extra.” Rumsfeld licked under George’s ear.

• Karl heaved the Vice President across the giant desk, leaving him sprawled face down across files and ‘eyes onlys’ his legs dangling in space. Cheney’s cheeks flopped helplessly against the wood, reminisent of a goldfish drowning in air. Easily distracted, Bush slid off of Rumsfeld’s lap and began kneading the fleshy orbs of Cheney’s ass.

• George was already fumbling with his pants, pulling pokey free when Karl caught his wrist.
  
  “Lube, Georgie. Or you’ll spend the next week kissing it better”

We can only imagine what they're talking about.

I'm done. Right off the bat, this is too much for me. If I haven't suffered from a brain aneurysm, there'll be a new post tomorrow.

This is the winner for the most absurd story of 2007.

Truth is, I absolutely cannot beat the commentary provided by OhNoTheyDidn't and my friend Bianca.

OhNoTheyDidn't: Dear terrorists: could you please start with the heads of those who watched her VMA performance first (you know, out of mercy), then work up to the great Jezebel, Unskinny Legs and All?

Bianca: Finally, and most hilariously, America would be brought back to the rampant paranoia and caution of the few month post-911.  But I get the feeling that if it were Brad Pitt who were in danger, rather than 3,000+ nameless office workers, public servants, and airline passengers along with a couple of buildings, the TERROR would truly be put in terrorism.  Would America finally be afraid?  Or would we use this as yet another excuse to engage in a war based on lies?

Read the full commentary at both links. And try to wrap your head around this.

AWESOME!


Oh, how I love thee.

DISCUSS.

It appears I’ve opened a can of worms on Buzznet.

I had NO idea my post would receive such a response. The disgust? I expected that. But I didn’t expect over 50 messages linking me to horrifying fan fiction in less than 24 hours. Wow.

I’ll continue on my scheduled course, but I’ll definitely say that AFI Slash fiction terrifies me to NO END. And I refuse to write about it because it’s just way too awkward and weird for me.

After Terminator Vs Jesus fanfic, I decided to venture back to more familiar territory and check out the “Books” section. Why this popped out first is beyond me:



I decided to ignore that section, because the potential for traumatizing sexual innuendos was too much for me. And I had a feeling I’d be venturing into illegal territory. So I started at the top of the list. Much to my delight (disgust), I clicked on the category for 1984 fanfic. (129 items.)

I mean, this simply couldn’t be real, right?

But I was actually surprised to find that 1984 fan fiction is usually just “guesses” as to what happens after the end of the novel. Gaining a bit of hope that maybe I wouldn’t be as grossed out by my finds, I clicked back to the Books page.

A sampling of titles that have fan fiction:

Goosebumps. (?????????)
The Outsiders (OVER 3,000 ENTRIES!!!!!)
Harry Potter (Over 300,000 ENTRIES!)
The Secret Garden
CS Lewis (All these people should be taken out to pasture. All 1,969 of them.)

But the one that truly horrified me was this: Oh

http://www.fanfiction.net/book/Edgar_Allan_Poe/

OH HELLZ NO. YOU DI’NT GO THERE. You DO NOT touch Edgar Allan Poe with this kind of garbage:

• what are you thinking
  as you lay in that bed
  watching the rain go by
  watching them fall to the ground
  are you thinking how you want to be out there
  or are you thinking about the squirell
  running up the tree
  as it keeps slipping but manages anyway
  or are you thinking about the girl
  whos licking droplets
  as she spins in circles
  and counts to three
  or maybe your thinking about how you long
  to be out there spinnig around
  until you get so dizzy you cant see
  oh what are you thinking about
  when you look at that rain
  I want to know so badly
  will you tell me someday
  will you say anything one day
  I hope you will be out of it one day
  that comas eating you up
  and I want to be with you
  will run in the rain
  and play all day
  but the most important thing of all
  will be that you can tell me
  what you thinking
  and thats the greatest gift of all
  

Realizing that my finds were far less tantalizing than before, I left the book section, which, to me, was full of people who weren’t terrible at writing; they just couldn’t be original. It was around this time that Conrad, an engineer here at Buzznet, IMed me in complete and total excitement.

And that’s when my life would change forever.

See, I’d planned on dissecting the stupidity of Golden Girls and Quantam Leap fan fic, but then Conrad sent me this:

http://community.livejournal.com/verywrongslash/

I am eternally sorry for this. I am so so so so so so so sorry. Upon looking at this page, a new away message on my AIM was spawned that caused a number of my friends to be greatly concerned for my well-being:

I JUST FOUND OUT THERE IS FISTING FANFIC BETWEEN THE ARBY'S OVEN MITT AND THE HAMBURGER HELPER HAND.

FUCKING SHOOT ME RIGHT NOW. PLEASE END MY LIFE.

Again, I am sorry, but I have to keep moving forward.

On the first page alone, there are so many things absolutely wrong with this community. (Though it is a tiny bit comforting to know that these kids at least acknowledge these facts.) This caught my eye first:

• Question: So, I've decided to write some Giant Squid/JK Rowling slash with some child sacrifice thrown in for good measure, and I have a dilemna. Third person or first?
  

The first comment?

• I think it's hotter in 1st person, but it really depends on the perspective.

A MILLION INTERNET SADFACES. (Yes, I realize it’s a joke. It doesn’t make it hurt less.)

And the actual story?

• You are in the soft ocean now Rowling, I see you above, guilty of leaving me alone after that damned seventh book. You do not know my tentacles and ferocious beak are mere feet below you. How long shall I let you remain so unsuspecting, Rowling? A minute? Or an hour? Another night, perhaps?
  
  I will not wait another moment, not another second of quiet for you.
  
  ---
  
  You are such a beautiful woman, I realize as my first tentacle slides around your foot. You stiffen, I imagine you are a bit scared. I reach out with another, and caress your leg. I feel your smooth skin as I snake another around your waist. Beneath the water I can feel your body quiver, I know you scream.
  
  I will kiss you my way. You will be ravished under the weight of my tentacles.
  
  You still do not know who I am, even when I rise from beneath the waves and turn you to face me, wrapping you against me. Your eyes are wide, your mouth open. You are not covered, Rowling, so there is not the slightest obstacle for what I am about to do next.
  
  Foolish woman, even if someone heard your screams they could not save you. You are, and will be, mine. I could stop your screams, but I love the way your beautiful face is so contorted, ravaged with terror. I love the way you gasp when my tentacle caresses your inner thigh, and the way two others pull apart your legs. I hold your head above water, firmly wrapped, my cups sucking your flesh.
  

THAT'S IT. NO MORE. I'M DONE.

Back to Very Wrong Slash. Because I mentioned it before, I have to share it: Hamburger Helper and Arby’s Slash.

Shall we delve in?

• Disclaimer: I don't own these. I'm sure their owners would be appalled. (I'm sure my friends are appalled.) This is a parody (or perhaps a travesty); no money is being made from this and I've probably lost the last shreds of respect from people who imagined I had some semblance of dignity or good taste.
  Notes: Challenge from eldriwolf, who's been daring me to write this for over a year. A reminder (or a warning) that there is no pair of characters that cannot be slashed.
  
  SUMMARY: Kitchen accessories in heat here. (Already, with the bad puns.)
  

At least she has a sense of humor about it.

• I open the door, turn on the light, and lead him over to the bed. I nudge him to sit, and he does. He looks nervous. He always looks nervous at this point. I reach into my bag… his eyes follow me… I pull out a small can of Crisco and set it on the bedside table. His eyes grow wide.
  
  I've heard there are better lubricants, but this one is discreet. Nobody suspects anything if either of us has Crisco in our packs, and nobody notices if we buy an extra can at the store. I set it down on the nightstand, next to the lamp.
  
  I push him down onto the bed.
  
  His hat rolls off to one side, and he starts to reach for it, but I stop him. With two fingers on the side of his face, I make him look up at me as I lean over him for a kiss, pressing our bodies together. He moans into my mouth. I lower my weight onto him, push him deeper into the mattress.
  

ASF;KLHJAKJLDFGHAKJDFS. I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE.

But the ending is cute!

• I turn to face him, and smile. He smiles back. I lean up into him, embracing him with my whole body. He closes his eyes, relaxes into my grip. We lie there on the bed, holding hands, until we fall asleep.

Awwwww. Even in the worst of slash, there is still hope for love!


I should have expected it and, because it’s so trashy and wrong it’s almost amazing, but on the second page, I found the goldmine:

Slash fan fiction between The Pope (current) and Jesus Christ.

Now, I’ll just copy and paste the warning the author gave me, because….well. You need to be warned:

• “On to the smut. People with aversions to Jesus having sex should not read. People squicked by the idea of a nearly 80-year-old man having sex should not read. People who object to sex in Catholic churches should not read. In fact, probably nobody should read this, cos it's just WRONG.”

And oh, how WRONG it is:

• "Joseph," He murmured, "don't be afraid. You are strong enough for this burden." And the Savior knelt down with him, took his face in two soft, warm hands, and placed a kiss on his forehead. "Receive my benediction," He said. A light surrounded them both, and Joseph felt younger and stronger than he had in decades. The ache in his knees was gone, and his vision grew clear, and the wheeze in his chest evaporated as if it had never been.
  
  "I... I cannot..." his voice broke, and he looked away, face turning red at the shame of contradicting his Lord, but knowing himself unfit for these attentions. The hands gently pulled his face forward again, and the fingertips stroked his ears, caressed his hairline. Joseph felt a tightening warmth he thought he'd forgotten, the first stirrings of a demon he'd thought long banished.
  
  Jesus pulled him closer, slid one knee between Joseph's and one arm around his back. "Not a demon," the gentle voice purred into his ear, as His fingers caressed Joseph's face. "You have kept yourself pure for me, and now I am here for you." Joseph knew He had seen into his heart, had read his most base desires... and had forgiven. More... was embracing him, leaning into him, laying down with him...
  
  Joseph whimpered as he was slowly pushed backward to the floor, and Jesus gently unfolded his legs. His thoughts spun as he looked up at the beautiful paintings on the ceiling. Awestruck, he was unprepared when Jesus shifted over him... sitting right there at the top of his thighs, His knees on either side of Joseph's hips, looking down on him with a gaze of such intense love Joseph wanted to weep. He could feel himself hard and throbbing... and felt an answering hardness pressing him down. Then He moved, and Joseph closed his eyes and cried out as the Lord shifted, sending ripples of ecstasy through him. Jesus leaned down over him, and claimed his mouth in a kiss that swept away all conscious thought.
  

I really hope I still have a job tomorrow.

PREVIEW OF TOMMORROW’S FAN FIC ADVENTURE:

Ariel and Ursula from The Little Mermaid
Bible Slash is INDEED a real force to be reckoned with.
Finding YOURSELF in fan fic. (Not me.)
God taking Beaker from The Muppets. Not for the faint-hearted.
AND: The best fanfic on all of Buzznet. It’s real. It’s here. And you will never be the same again.

Until tomorrow....

"Here is wisdom. Let him who hath understanding count the number of the beast: For it is the number of a man; and his number is six hundred and sixty six."

-Revelations 13:18

6 YEARS TOO LATE.

I lived in Riverside, California when the towers fell on the opposite coast. It's a rural suburbanite dream, located about 60 miles or so east of Los Angeles. I was Editor In Chief of my high school's paper that year too and I was generally looked to whenever there were pressing political events to write about. (Early on in my life, I found solace and satisfaction in political activism. I remember visiting the state capitol in Idaho when I won a contest for a visual essay I wrote about why we needed to continue funding state parks. I was 7.)

I didn't learn about the attacks until the towers had already toppled. In fact, because the first two classes I had that year were virtual fortresses from the outside world (Physics and AP English Literature). So, by the time I was in my open 3rd period, which I used to mask as "Government" for credits, I had learned that the United States had already been attacked and the towers had fallen.

Class the rest of the day was impossible, as rumors soon spread over the news that Los Angeles was next. Sure, we were 60 miles away, but when people on the news, people you're supposed to trust, are saying that downtown LA is going to be obliterated later that day, you're prone to believe anything.

Our issue changed that month, naturally. And I found myself locked in front of the TV screen, flipping through every channel, trying to absorb every piece of news I could. (I also learned that a lot of the Spanish-language channels don't edit the clips they receive and that's where I saw all the traumatizing images of people falling out of buildings, running around with blood and building debris covering their faces, etc.)

It's been 6 years since that day, and I remember so much of it in explicit detail. Trudging my way home, wondering if there'd be war in my hometown. Refusing dinner that night as I watched the entire nation swirl into an irrational and all-encompassing paranoia. Trying to go to sleep that night, bracing myself for the inevitable every time I heard any sort of noise outside.

And what do we have, six years later?


This motherfucker is nowhere to be found. And he still continues to haunt us by sending us ridiculously stupid videos every now and then.

6 YEARS TOO LITTLE.

And what have we done to capture the man who is apparently responsible for this atrocity against our country?



When was the last time you heard about our adminstration doing everything they can to stop the al Qaeda network from prolonging terrorist efforts?




6 YEARS TOO MUCH.

What have we done in the name of the victims of 9/11?

We've invaded Afghanistan.
We've invaded Iraq and turned it into a maelstrom of organic debris and social unrest.
We've threatened war against Iran.
We've helped execute Saddam Hussein.
We've made thousands of executives and CEOs richer than they've ever imagined by awarding contracts in Iraq and Afghanistan based on privilege.
We've privatized war to make a profit.
We've split America into a dichotomy of those who believe that everything is a paradise since we've liberated the Iraqi people and to those who believe the clusterfuck we've created will soon doom this planet.

It's a lot and it hurts.

I've pretty much become the douchebag who uses an event to make a political statement. But any interaction between human beings is politics. This will always be about politics.

In this case, we've created a monster. Our media has taken paranoia, right-wing talking points, and the inability to be an investigative force, and birthed a beast of uncontrollable forces:

Fear.

But I am not afraid anymore. I am not afraid to stand up to a quasi-totalitarian regime who runs this nation like 8 year olds on a playground.

I am not afraid to say things that may upset other people.

I am not afraid to suggest that maybe, just maybe, we're heading in the wrong direction.

And I am not afraid to look into the eye of the beast, unwavering, steadfast, and face whatever destruction it may be.

We're 6 years too late. We're 6 years too little. We're 6 years too much.

But I'm not giving up hope yet.

Last week, after I’d written about the 10 Worst Fan Videos Ever Made, I had a few close friends and a few Buzznet members suggest that I skewer the fan fiction community next. (I think what’s more alarming about this request is that I am becoming known for destroying what other people love. Should I be disturbed?)

At face value, knowing there was a large fan fiction community on Buzznet, as well as knowing the potential for hilarious quotes and screencaps, I spent the past few days researching fan fiction on the net.

My best friend Bianca, being the net savvy gal she is, gave me the initial push, directing me to www.fanfiction.net, as well as a few key communities. From there, I began to push deeper into the dark psyche of fan fiction.

It was early this morning, while attempting to write this first blog entry, that I stumbled upon some of the most terrifying things to exist on the net. By noon, Buzznet engineer Conrad, upon learning of my endeavor, sent me the fanfic communities that would push me over the edge into total madness.

I can’t do a single journal post anymore. There’s no way I could fit this all into one post. No top ten. Not even a top 100. This has become a journey now, one that will soon be etched into the history books.

So this will be a diary of that journey; I’ll post a different section each day. I have no idea when it will end, as I’m quickly discovering that, as I find one more mind-numbing community, another one rears its ugly head.

Join me. We’ll suffer this together.


PART I: FanFiction.net

Let’s have Wikipedia define “fan fiction” for all those who are ignorant to this social phenomenon, shall we?

• Fan fiction (also commonly spelled as fanfiction and frequently abbreviated to fanfic or occasionally just FF or fic) is a broadly-defined term for fiction about characters or settings written by fans of the original work, rather than by the original creators. Fan fiction usually describes works which are uncommissioned by the owner of the work, and usually (but not always) works which are not professionally published. Fan fiction is defined against original fiction, which exists with its own discrete universe, and against canon works within the universe.
  

Excellent.

Search “fan fiction” on Google and www.fanfiction.net will always pop up first as THE go-to site for all things. This is where I began my search.

The site is organized based on the general themes behind where the fiction is based: television, music, books, anime, miscellaneous, etc. Pretty easy to follow, right?

The first link I was directed to was this: The Wind Whistles For Megan


And very quickly did I realize I’d bit off more than I could chew.

A general theme that runs through fan fiction is that it is overtly sexual most of the time and, as expected, poorly written. This is the case with, “The Wind Whistles For Megan.” Right off the bat, this just plain sucks:

• Dream Castle was in turmoil. Those nasty, evil, vile, not-so-bright, pathetic excuses for witches, sisters whom were disgusting to the core, were TRYING desperately to cause a ruckus. It was sad really. Their incompetence was quite humorous. And their not-so-mad skills in witchcraft was a poor example of witchdom.

And within just a few paragraphs, the terrible imagery and traumatizing mental images began:

• Obviously startled, Megan turned around and her gaze fell upon the equine beauty before her. Those large, soft eyes stared back upon her, hopeful and frightened all at once. Body covered in soft blue fur, the large wings upon her back flapped nervously. Megan simply could not help but focus her attention upon the small, yet pert, breasts of Wind Whistler.

My Little Ponies had breasts?????? (Credit for that commentary goes to my friend Bianca.)

• The entire flight back to Dream Castle was quiet and awkward. Megan leaned her chin upon Wind Whistler’s shoulder, her cheek lightly brushing her neck. The fur was so soft and felt wonderful upon her cheek. She’d known this wonderful equine for who knows how long. Deep down, something nagged at her, creating weird feelings. She usually passed them off as nothing. But as of late, all she could think about was Wind Whistler. Sure, she loved the other ponies, but she felt drawn to this particular one. Her hand seemed to have a mind of its own as it began to stroke the fur along her collar bone.

OH MY GOD. PLEASE KILL ME NOW.

Thankfully, this was just the first part of a clearly psychotic exercise in “literary freedom,” a freedom I’d like to take away. I won’t bother finding the other parts.

It was at this point that Bianca, in all her wisdom, linked me to our next example of e-terror: Patrick Stump and Gabe Sapporta slash. Wikipedia, will you help us?

• Slash fiction is a genre of fan fiction. It focuses on the depiction of sexual or romantic relationships between two or more male characters, who are not necessarily engaged in relationships in the canon universe. While the term originally was restricted to fan fiction in which one or more male media characters were involved in an explicit adult relationship as a primary plot element, it is currently more generally used to refer to any pairing between male characters.

Ah. This should be...interesting?

• “Gabe sits and watches and peels one stripe of his banana.
  
  “Aren’t you eating?” Gabe asks.
  
  Patrick shrugs, “Not hungry.”
  
  “Did you eat lunch?”
  
  No answer.
  
  “You’re not fat.”
  
  This earns Gabe a death-glare.
  
  “Well you’re not,” Gabe shrugs, peeling the second stripe. He pauses, lips puffing out in a thoughtful pout.
  
  “I had a salad for lunch,” Patrick mutters, not looking up from his writing. Gabe can’t even see the other man’s face do to the brim of his hat.
  
  “Are you trying to lose weight or something?”
  
  “Gabe-” Patrick’s face shoots up faster than a junkie in pit of syringes; expression blank and businesslike. “-You wanna drop the weight subject?”
  
  “Yeah sure,” Gabe nods as if it’s no big deal. Patrick stares a moment before returning to the channeling of his muse and Gabe peels the third stripe of his banana down excruciatingly slow.
  
  “Want some of my banana?”
  
  “No Gabe.”
  
  “But bananas are amazing,” Gabe says, honestly surprised that the greatness of bananas could be denied so quickly.
  
  “But I don’t want any,” Patrick mimicks Gabe’s childish tone spot on; and although Gabe isn’t possitive of it himself, there is a faint smile on the ginger man’s lips.
  
  “You should have some,” Gabe insists.
  
  Patrick simply shakes his head but Gabe can see for sure now that he is smiling. This makes Gabe grin and he wheels a little big closer. Careful and calculated, he eases the exposed fruit between man and paper, attempting to waft the delicious banana smell into Patrick’s nostrils while also inspiring his mouth to water from the physical site of the banana.
  
  “You think if you stick your banana in my face I’m going to eat it?” Patrick quips, teeth showing in his smile now though he doesn’t look up.
  
  “It’s a nice banana,” Gabe smirks of his own accord, well aware of the little game they were playing now.
  
  “What if I said I wouldn’t eat your banana if it was the last banana on Earth?” Patrick challenges, still not looking.
  
  “I’d say you were lying,” Gabe purrs, and he’s standing now, and Patrick doesn’t really know what’s going on, all he knows is that his notebook is being taken away, along with his pencil. The space in his lap where the paper connected by metal coil used to be is now occupied by a nine foot tall banana-wielding Uruguayan. Straddling him in the big producer chair, no less.
  
  “Gabe?” Patrick quirks an eyebrow.
  
  “Eat it,” Gabe offers the banana. Patrick doesn’t take it.
  
  “Gabe.”
  
  “Eat it,” Gabe giggles, tapping the tip of the banana against Patrick’s lips. “Come on.”
  

And I am done. If you’d like to have bananas ruined for the rest of your waking life, continue reading the rest of that piece of trash. I’d advise against it, your best interest in mind.

It’s at this point, disgusted, that I decide to move back to FanFiction.net. There has to be something a bit more innocent and not as sexual that will provide me some laughs.

And I find this instead: Animaniacs fan fiction.

The basic gist of the story is that the main character, Brad, killed all three of the Animaniacs in a past fan fiction and now, stuck in a mental institute, they haunt him. He kills himself. And then they haunt him some more in the afterlife.

………………………………………………………

Quickly exiting that page, I decide to click on “Miscellaneous” fan fiction to see what other topics people want to fantasize about. And, as if a golden ray from heaven shone down on the page, I see this:



68 ENTRIES FOR JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR FANFIC.

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY.

I’m a huge fan of blasphemy, but seriously, what the hell????

An example of some titles:

“One Nation UNDER God”

“Anna vs. Lucifer”

“Used”

And my personal favorite: “Terminator vs. Jesus Christ”: What if the Terminator had been sent back in time to save Jesus from his death and Jesus was not aware of it?

Now THIS is hilarious.

• BANG!!! The door burst open revealing the stranger. What now? Jesus thought as he watched the machine march into the hallway waving his gun.
  
  The apostles, with the exception of Simon and Judas, began to back away as far from the man as possible. Simon however just stayed where he was, his eyes flickering with anger for a split second then disappeared and his eyes became dark and unfeeling again. Judas, who had never met the man before, started moving nearer to Jesus, hoping that he would be able to do something in case the outsider tried something funny.
  
  What could this thing want now? There were no Romans in sight, neither were there any Pharisees. What was it looking for? Maybe it was here to prevent his arrest. But it was too early…and something just didn’t feel right.
  
  “Target spotted.” The machine said as he released the reloaded his gun. Time moved slowly for Jesus as the thing fired its gun. His eyes widened as he watched the bullet fly and strike Judas in the chest. The strength of the blast was so strong that Judas flew across the table and landed there.
  
  Oh god, please don’t be dead. Don’t be dead, don’t be dead. Jesus repeated in his head over and over again. All previous hostility he felt towards the man vanished and was replaced with worry. “Why did you do that?” Jesus shouted to the robot as he started running towards is friend.
  
  “He is to betray you!”
  
  “I know! Don’t you understand, this is all suppose to happen.” He said reaching his friend. He heard the apostles whispering to each other most likely about Judas and what the robot said. He blocked them out as he called softly, “Judas. Judas, please wake up.”
  
  Judas moaned slightly as he opened his eyes, “Christ?” What was going on? He could barely register what had happened. The huge man that had entered had mumbled something and…and he shot him. Blood, there was blood everywhere. Was it all really his?
  

So. Completely. Amazing.

I leave you on a high note, Buzznet, because tomorrow, you surely won’t be laughing. A preview of what’s to come in Part II of my FanFiction Journey:

1984 fanfic. (I’m totally serious.)
Quantam Leap. (Just….ugggghhhh.)
Are You Afraid of The Dark? (I’m sure this is illegal.)
Golden Girls. (I’ll lobby for this to be illegal.)
Literature fanfic. (I’ll lobby for this to be a punishable by death. The Great Gatsby and Edgar Allan Poe fanfic should simply not exist.)

Until then, try not to die from disgust. And future suggestions will be accepted.

Is this the state of affairs for music?

I don't have cable in my apartment. (I plan to keep it that way.) I was forced to use MTV's Overdrive site to keep up on the events of the night so I could properly inform myself for what would be my inevitable rant this morning.

(A side note: Whomever is the web designer at MTV who built the MTV Overdrive page should be fired immediately and never allowed to type another string of HTML ever again. Someone strip him/her of all degrees, awards, and internet responsibilities. That is the worst site on the face of the planet.)

Despite that Yahoo! is reporting that the VMAs were an overwhelming success, I'll have to categorically disagree.

I don't have cable for a reason: Television sucks. Always. (Except a few precious shows, almost none of which currently air. HINT: Lost and The Office = Love.) And, watching the concurrent clips being aired online, I most assuredly will stick to this conclusion for the next 5 years or so.

Never would I ever think that, in 2007, I'd be agreeing with Justin Timberlake, but what the hell, MTV? When are you going to start showing music on your channel? Even when you have an entire award show devoted to music videos, you CONSTANTLY cut away from clips I actually wanted to see. (EX: Foo Fighters covering "Holiday In Cambodia" with Serj (System of a Down) on vocals; Mastodon playing "Colony of Birchmen" with Josh Homme singing his vocals.)

Apparently, this is their plan to earn higher ratings; instead of having a 3 hour show, as they usually have done, they cut out an hour and will not air the show in it's original form again. (In the past, the show would run 4375208947320946329671235987 times for two weeks afterwards.) Instead, they'll "remix" the show for future airings, which makes little to no sense at all. This is supposed to encourage people to revisit their site or watch MTV, hoping to catch these edited clips in their full form.

But I'm not going to bite the bait. I don't care at all. This ratings scheme is so blatant and so obvious and it rests on the assumption that I, the viewer and music fan, am a complete and total idiot. Thanks for the compliment, MTV.

I don't need to comment on the ridiculous display that Britney Spears' provided us. (I wish I could make a .gif file of 50 Cent's reaction. So perfect.) I don't need to comment on how boring the entire show was. It was obvious no one cared to be there; for once, even the celebrities who showed up couldn't hide their disinterest.

But I can't believe that something so senile and worthless captured some of my attention and energy, given that there are more important issues in the world: We may be stuck in Iraq, there's a possibility that we're going to war with Iran, and Senator Larry Craig won't shut the fuck up.

I hate you, MTV.

Kron alerted me to a bizarre story she blogged about last night and, the more I read about it, the more I'm...confused. To say the least, that is. But I am not surprised at all.

Disney has forced out Machine Head from all of their venues as they start their Black Tyranny Tour. I'll just quote their response:

• In a stunning last-minute move, Walt Disney Properties have pressured promoter Live Nation into canceling Machine Head's performance tomorrow night at the House of Blues venue in Anaheim (on their Disneyland property). Citing violent imagery, undesirable fans and inflammatory lyrics as the reason, the diversity-impaired corporation began pressuring the promoter on Saturday to cancel all upcoming heavy metal concerts, placing Machine Head under an internal "review process" that took 5 days before bothering to convey their alarming decision to the band late yesterday - less than 48 hours before their Black Tyranny Tour was to kick off at House of Blues Anaheim on Friday night.

  While the enactment of this new blanket rule applies to all upcoming heavy metal shows at the House Of Blues Anaheim (with some metal bands having been banned from performing on name alone), Machine Head is the first band to actually have tickets go on sale, and remain on sale for 2 months, before intense pressure and vague threats of liability from the Corporation left the promoter with no choice but to remove the show from the venue.

(Ha. I can't believe I'm blogging about Machine Head AGAIN after that last bit of chaos involving MCR.)

Here's what you should understand about the House of Blues in Anaheim. It sits smack dab in the middle of "Downtown Disney," a public "mall" of sorts right next to Disneyland. (And on Disney's property.) I've seen a ton of bands there: Strung Out, Bad Religion, A.F.I., Hot Water Music, Millencollin....the list could really go on and on. It tends to be a little more expensive than, say, Chain Reaction down the street. But it's a rad venue with great sound and a small, intimate general admission floor space.

Then again, it's disney. As the notice Machine posted says, they're a "diversity-impaired corporation," clearly out to protect their precious image as the happiest place on earth. And by happy, they clearly mean, "NOT A HEATHEN METAL FAN."

I imagine bands that don't promote Disney's image, and not just metal bands, will soon be banned as well. Fair enough. They just lost another ticket sale, because as long as Disney acts like a petulant 5-year old, I'm not stepping foot on their property.

Pull your head up from your desk or keyboard. After you've taken some extra strength aspirin to quell the mounting pain in your head, try to make it through this article.


YOU STUPID DOUCHE NOZZLE.

Do you even remotely realize how goddamn idiotic you look? Both because you look photoshopped in front of that beast and because YOU CAN'T SELL A HUMMER TO SAVE THE ENVIRONMENT.

That's like saying you're creating peace by bombing another country. (President Bush, take note.)

God, please send down your lightening bolt of reason NOW. I hope Buzznet's Global Warming Group has a field day with this dolt.

Oh, and just so you know, I'm going to go out this weekend and club some baby seals for animal rights!!!!!!!1!11!!!!

I'm shocked at this story, needless to say. I don't get it.

I don't get how a police officer, in charge of a K9 unit, just forgets about his dog. (It's akin to leaving your own partner locked in the car for 13 hours.

I don't get the ridiculous amount of time he spent running errands, napping, and eating dinner with his wife, all the while leaving his dog to suffer through 109 degree heat.

At least the guy isn't trying to make some redundant statement in his defense. Yet.

Sigh.

I've discovered a bizarre niche this past week that has caused me to have more pageviews and comments than ever before on Buzznet: making fun of fandoms.


Yes, Gerard. My thoughts exactly.

I was shown a video yesterday of an overzealous fan singing to a song by The Academy Is... It was terrifying. Horrifying. Mind-numbing in its terrible-osity. (Totally a word now.) And in a moment of complete pain, I was inspired:

There must be more of this crap on the internet.

Because, indeed, people will put ANYTHING on the internet these days. It's the Age of No Shame, especially since some tool bag with a repetitive song lyric about cocoa precipitation can become a world star for doing.....well. Nothing. (If I wasn't clear enough: Fuck you, Tay Zonday. Your song is worthless.)

Ok. Anyway, I spent nearly 3 hours surfing the net to find 10 atrocities in sight and sound. And with a great (and perverted) pleasure, these are the Top 10 Worst Fan Videos Ever Made:

#10: The Academy Is - We've Got A Big Mess On Our Hands


This is it: The origin of my inspiration.

I don't know what's worse about this. The out of focus camera. The fact that she doesn't know the words. How closely she holds the camera to her face. The "spinning" just after the first minute mark. The terrible, offensive jokes the title of the video conjures up. (Nope. Not gonna share them.)

Sigh. This is already a terrible idea for me to spend time on.

#9: Gerard Butler Fan Video


Totally smokin' dude.

But you lose infinitely for choosing that hosebeast of a human being to be the backing music. You are deaf and lack any cognitive function. Someone should unplug you now and let you die with what little dignity you have left, vegetable.

#8: My Chemical Romance - Helena


I don't know why Johnny Blaze or Scotty 2 Hotty is even in this video. I know it's supposed to be lip synching and whatnot; so if you're not actually playing that instrument, why are not moving around? Clearly, he is too cool to be in this clip.

Is that guy singing with a broom stick? Oh well, at least he's energetic. I've got nothing against him. Lord knows I spent years pretending I was in Bad Religion or Metallica. The only difference?

I didn't film it for the whole world to see.

#7: AFI - Miss Murder

NEWSFLASH TO ALL NERDS: STOP MAKING MUSIC VIDEOS SET TO YOU PLAYING A GAME. IT IS NOT ORIGINAL. IT IS NOT INTERESTING.

Also, that video warns of "spoyliers." I laughed.

#6: Panic! At The Disco - I Write Sins, Not Tragedies

The reworking isn't that bad. The editing isn't atrocious. Clearly, it's a school project, so I'm not going to be that harsh.

Except one part: Why is that chick playing Brendon Urie when, clearly, there is already another kid in the video who looks JUST LIKE HIM?????

Proof:


Anyway, my issue with this video. Here's the video info:

"i made this video just 'cause it was homework, and i know that it isn't like the orginal video, and it wasn't sopoused to be it.))

video that i made with some friends and a couple of classmates.
for the same english project that the other one."

HOW ON EARTH DOES THIS EVEN REMOTELY RELATE TO ENGLISH CLASS? The video isn't that atrocious at all, especially in light of these other "masterpieces" of fan cinema. BUT THIS WAS YOUR HOMEWORK?

Your teacher should be fired.

#5: H.I.M - Your Biggest Fan


I don't doubt that Lisa Mistress Thrill is HIM's biggest fan. I personally think HIM are utter and complete garbage, but you know what? That's my opinion. And that's all it is. And I'm sure anyone could ridicule me to death over bands that I'm obsessed with.

Oh. But wait a second. I don't have photoshoots in graveyards and I don't CARRY AROUND A CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF THE SINGER OF MY FAVORITE BAND AND PRETEND IT'S ACTUALLY HIM/HER.






Epic and classic fail. Even if she wasn't serious.

#4: Cute Is What We Aim For - Hip Hop at IHOP

Someone confirm this for me: Is this an actual song? If so, here's the first instance I can definitively say that the song is actually worse than the video. That's what you consider hip hop? Is this supposed to be a joke song?

Anyway you look at it:


#3: I have no idea what to call this one.

And guess what? I'm not allowed to embed. I think that's a gift from God, because this is completely miserable.

Want to watch it? GO HERE.

No sound. She doesn't hold the drawings/paintings up long enough. And she drew Beyonce Knowles AND Davey Havok.

Lord help her.

#2: Fall Out Boy - This Ain't A Scene, It's An Arms Race

Apparently, this guy does this to raise money for Autism Awareness. Which is an excellent thing to support.

BUT THIS IS SO HORRIBLE. Is it supposed to be funny? How in the world does this either raise money or awareness for autism?

Someone, please ban this man from ever holding a microphone or being in front of a camera. He will only set out to harm anything you've ever loved. (Sort of like Michael Bay.)

And the #1 worst fan video of all time......(CUE DRUMROLL)

#1: AFI - Die! "Hard Fan"

Again, no embed. But watch this monstrosity here.

Some key images:



I have watched this 8 times now. It's so confusing and horrifying, I'm entranced by it. (Sort of like Chris Crocker videos, only much less entertaining.)

So.....you're the biggest fan of AFI because you're so dedicated that, even if they ran you over in a bright pink convertible, you'll still love them?

Heaven help our generation.

This is exciting.

I really can't announce this or write about it better than Engadget already has, so check out their live blog of the Apple Special Announcement this morning.

And here are the pics!

New iPod Nano with 2" color screen:




The new iPod "Classic." Basic iPod with a SHIT TON of memory space: 80G and 160G. (!!!!!!) It will also be an entirely metal case.



Rad. And not as expensive as I thought. (The 160GB still costs lest than I paid for my 60GB a year ago. WTF???)

But here's the sinker: the iPod Touch.



It's an iPhone, basically, minus the phone.

AND IT HAS FUCKING WIFI ON IT.



MEANING YOU CAN GO ONLINE WITH YOUR IPOD.



But the memory drive space SUCKS.



That's the most you can do??? My 60GB is full already (mostly videos). How am I to survive with just 16GB?

There will also be a wireless iTunes store available in the coming weeks. Neat.

DISCUSS.

And I wasn't even serious when I posted the poll! MCR's Gerard Way and Mindless Self Indulgence's LynZ got married!

(I apologize for the slew of MCR-related posts, which is incredibly odd for me. I know. I did it for laughs and then....BAM! I was right?)

http://ktcl.com/pages/Nerf.html

Read it and weep, naysayers. They totally got married.

For those who will cry PICS PLZ OR IT DINT HAPEN:


The ceremony. And now, the bride and groom!



Even if you don't care about this band, AWWWWWWW PEOPLE GETTING MARRIED AND BEING IN LOVE AND STUFF.

(PS: I love that I was right.)

Cue the crazy comments!

Because, in light of the second most important announcement this year for the technology company, this is the extent of the entire article:

• Apple Inc. is scheduled to make an announcement today that analysts expect will be iPod upgrades.  In other Apple news,.................

THAT'S IT. THAT'S THE WHOLE STORY. It's the headline with maybe 10 extra words. You would think one of the world's most visited sites could atleast muster up the strength to write...I don't know? Maybe another paragraph?

Anyway, as the announcement goes live, I'll keep you guys updated. Please oh please let it be a 120GB full screen touch iPod. Please please please.

Oh, and Yahoo! News? I've got a message for you:

Seriously, I do. Because only in this country can you sue the police department for stealing your porn.

OHHHHH MYYYYYY. This is so hilarious. Legality aside, this has to be my favorite story in the past few months. Who owns over $10,000 in porn????????

I.
love.
America.

First, don't do it because it's a stupid name. Really? That's all you could think of to name your site?

But, as detailed by a post on BoingBoing, the service spams all your email contacts without your permission. LAME CITY.



That's what the invitation looks like.

DEATH TO SPAM!

Oh boy. This is fun!

As reported on BoingBoing:

• Today I was arrested by the Brooklyn, Ohio police department. It all started when I refused to show my receipt to the loss prevention employee at Circuit City, and it ended when a police officer arrested me for refusing to provide my driver's license.

  There are two interesting stories in one which I thought would be of interest to Boing Boing readers. The first involves the loss prevention employee physically preventing my egress from the property. The second story involves my right as a U.S. citizen to not have to show my papers when asked. (Despite having verbally identified myself, the officer arrested me for failing to provide a driver's license while standing on a sidewalk.)

  Here are two blurbs from my blog post which summarize both parts of the story:

  "I’ve always taken the stance that retail stores shouldn’t treat their loyal customers as criminals and that customers shouldn’t so willingly give up their rights along with their money."

  "I can reluctantly understand having to show a permit to fish, a permit to drive and a permit to carry a weapon. Having to show a permit to exist is a scary idea which I got a strong taste of today."

I've also decided that BoingBoing readers leave the best comments. All of them are grammatically correct and coherent.

So do you think he was within his rights? Remember, the 4th Amendment isn't exempt on private property.

Au revoir, Sen. Larry Craig.

You won't be missed, you hypocritical lowlife.

(Also, does anyone else find it hilarious he used a train depot as the backdrop for his statement? Maybe he's moving on to train depot restrooms next. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.)

Before I post these gnarly photos, a bit of a backstory.

el chupacabra is a creature of Mexican folklore, sometimes called a "bloodsucker," known to kill livestock by sucking the blood and removing the animal's insides. For decades, the story has circulated through migrant camps, immigrants, passed through generations, and used as a threat to force your child to behave. (It's true. I've seen it happen.)

And while thousands of people have claim to have caught a glimpse of the frightening creature, no one except Phyllis Canion claims to have actually caught the son of a bitch.

Yeah. She caught el chupacabra? Seems insane to me, but take a look at the animal she found as roudkill outside her house:






It resembles those hairless, sewer rat-esque dogs I've seen, but the nose looks totally wrong.

BUT YEAH. THIS IS AWESOME. DISCUSS.